OVER THE EDGE!!

Have you ever been so upset about something that it just eats from the inside out?? Yeah to me that happens alot. I try not to be upset about alot of things but sometimes the small little things like lies, talking behind my back, and back stabbing just drive me up a wall. I try not to let these things bother me but lets just say that I have a tiny bit of a anger problem. But dont let your anger overcome you. Trust me when I say this..dont cross the line when it comes to anger the result will just upset you even more. Just remember try to life your life to the fullest without causing any trouble.

What to care about?

Well lately "Matty" has been lying to me about drinking because he know that I care and he knows that I will react. I do care about him and I dont want him to get in more trouble but how am going to care when he just wants to get a reaction out of me. Then he tells me that he cares when I try to talk to him about my problems but then he uses the words like "cool" and "nice". To me that suggests that you are getting annoyed about me...I ask if you are but the answer is always no. I want to think that you really care..but sometimes I think you just judge me...I dont know what to think anymore. I will always care but will you?

You are him...

Lately I have been watching the show Awkward. If you are not familiar with it, this is a quick summary: A teenage girl named Jenna starts to hook up with a guy, Matty who admits he has feelings for her, and she ends up falling for him hardcore. But he she wants more and he doesn't, so she goes for the guy, Jake, to does want more and who actually cares for her. She suddenly realizes the she can't seem to get close to Jake and when he tells her he loves her she says "awesome". She finally understands that she is not ever Matty. That has happened to me but I just realized it after watching this episode. I had a thing with a guy last year ( the one I mentioned in a earlier blog) I feel for him hard core and I haven't been able to move on since. And just like Jenna he didn't want anything more...than another guy came along who liked me for me and who seemed to actually care about me and my feelings. Which no lie, was really nice. But after a couple weeks I noticed that I was thinking about "Matty" and I just could not get emotionally close to "Jake". My mind was so wrapped around "Matty", that I was leaving "Jake" hanging dry and I hated it. So I ended it with "Jake". Even to this day "Matty" is the only guy that I think about all day long and having to see him Monday-Friday does hurt but I know he will always be there for me and you never know maybe someday he will come around and see how much I care for him and how awesome we would be together.

Regret or not?

Have you ever done something and then regretted it? But at the same time of regretting it you loved it too? Yeah, that happens a lot. I moved last year and got close to a guy. He was the greatest guy ever. So we started hanging out and the first week of summer we hung out everyday and then the last day before I left for my mom's he kissed me. But he said nothing more because it reminded him of his ex-girlfriend. That summer we would text each other when we were back in town. I kinda regret getting close to him cuz i just ended up getting hurt but on the other hand I don't regret it because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know wish he knew.

Well after a long night last night...all of the painful memories of the boy, who I used to call my best friend & who I feel for...I just wanted to sit on my bed and cry all night...I hate this feeling when your mind tells you to move on because he has hurt you so much but then your heart is telling you to not give up on him because he made you so happy..I know he doesn't care about me anymore but I can't seem to let that go. I don't know what to do anymore...